As my son gets older, he finds ever more ingenious ways to keep us on our toes. Over the years, he has filled the oven with random stuff and turned it on. He has chopped blueberries with a chefs knife. He once painted his entire head black – face, neck, hair, even the insides of his ears. When he saw himself in the mirror, he scared the shite out of himself. 

He has a sixth sense for opportunism. A few years ago, he let himself out of the house in the middle of the night. Our house is always securely locked – my biggest fear is him going missing. But we’d had our locks replaced and there was one spare key left on the sideboard. The battery was gone on the front door motion sensor and the house alarm hadn’t been switched on. His spidey senses must have gone into overdrive.  

Luckily, he has inherited his spidey senses from me because, for no reason at all, I woke up. When I saw the open front door, I got the fright of my life. We live on a very busy main road, and he has absolutely no sense of danger and no fear. We found him near Walkinstown Roundabout. He was on his way to the airport.  

He is getting older and no wiser. The other day I heard the hairdryer upstairs. I ran up to find he had taken the hairdryer out of the drawer, plugged it in and had it down his trousers, giving himself an airing. So now we’re plugging things in. And he’s discovered his willy. We’re in for some craic now lads.